Funny/Interesting Things Professors Say #6

Small Animal Medicine
“If you’re high, you don’t die.”
“so nobody’s taking any pig pancreases and squeezing them…”
“and what happened? It took us 15-20 years to find out we’re dumb.”
“I’m just going to lay down on the floor and cry right now.”
“or it could be some by product that’s mostly chicken feathers.”
“I’m not going to get on the floor and seizure…”
“those other glands are sitting there having a picnic. They’re taking a nap.”
“if you just give them oral calcium, you may as well just sprinkle water on their legs.”
“everything gets revved up like a cat on red bull”
“they’re like sick chickens… they all look the same”
“In vet school, I think I highlighted ‘ruffled feathers and pasty vent’ for all the chickens.”
“The fact that you’re all here and relatively alert means that you had your morning cortisol surge”
“Iatrogenic… which means ‘my bad’”
“If I said ‘pop quiz!’… it takes about 4 minutes… but in 4 minutes you’d have doubled your cortisol.”
“the heart doesn’t like being bathed in potassium… if has no sense of humor about that.”
“the best test to see if a gland is dead is to kick it really hard and see if it moves.”
“we are going to come up to it and pharmacologically shout in its ear.”
“The whole point of being a tumor is not obeying the rules!”
“they think old age mandates them to look like that…”
“If you see someone pull up 1 cc of dex SP and put it in a small dog, have a sharp intake of breath”
“and then the tumor thinks ‘I may be small, but I’m not frightened!’”
“If Europeans can do it, surely Americans can too”
“I have like 2 multiple choice questions on your exam… keep that in mind.”
“sometimes foo foo dogs… you throw a ball at them… who cares?”
“can you see the distichia in these dogs? Crank up your imagination”
“Give all your clients a sharpei, boxer or pug for Christmas and keep yourself in business.”
“Animals that live on the couch are less likely to be impaled with a large stick than a hunting dog.”
“syncope and sudden death are the same except you wake up from one of them”
“your eye is not very good at hearing things”

Large Animal Medicine
“The mare doesn’t look sick then next thing you know *pffft* you have a dead fresh fetus on the ground.”
“Baytril is rampantly used in the small ruminant industry… if they’re ugly they’ll treat it with bayrtil.”
“In a pig, it’s an IP injection… intra-pig.”
“it’s not an AVMA recognized method of euthanasia… but if that’s your goal…”
“you can dance in a cow’s belly in muddy boots then hose them out and they’ll do fine. A horse would not tolerate that.”
“I’ll tell you this is a 3 year old thoroughbred racehorse… a good one… a fast one.. and he’s not been running good lately”
“You guys have enough on your plate without bearing weight on your sole.”
“Color is important in treatment!”
“Oprah Winfrey got… no… show some control… oh well, I started it.”
“pennis…pennis… it’s not a game you play with a raquet. It’s a male reproductive organ.”
“you can get out of a lot of things if you fake a seizure”
“the mounter or the mountee… whichever you prefer to be”
“that’s a big teat… or 2 testicles.”
“I kid you not… it’s made out of shark… woven something shark… no really, shark.”
“… well, the people that own them… the sheep and goat… they don’t know.”
“Once you are all the way in there, it’s a pleasurable experience”
“early stage feces… they call it feed”
“why do you guys laugh when I try to teach you things?”
“When you say things, people assume that you mean them”
“All my patient, as a food animal vet, die… and then we eat them”
“a lot, a lot, of dairy men are pinging their own cows… *laughter*… have a little decorum”

Emergency Medicine
“It makes sense that Florida has one…. They’ve been hit by hurricanes forever and 10 days.”
“It’s like tryingto text at a football game…it’s not going to happen.”

Primate Medicine
“monkeys are like Italian family… everything is going fine then WHAM something happens and somebody’s getting smacked.”
“we call them the cheerleaders, the younger breeder groups we have.”
“at some point, all of this gilded cage will end and you’re going to graduate.”
“so you’re starting to play doctor..”
“I can learn so much about you, Will, if I know your weight and look at your stool.”
“Don’t wear white. If you do, they’ll throw and you’ll get campylobacter and shigella.”
“lubrication is something we strive for in all aspects of sex”

Radiology
“it’s like saying they have 2 elbows. I simply don’t care.”
“it’s spondylosis deformans… and it all makes me yawn.”
“does everybody know what golf is? That Tiger Woods guy… just google it.”
“I’m Dr. E as you all know and I love imaging.”
“Or are these inspisated boogers?”

Surgery
“these are not tablets that are sent from heaven.”
“therio potential. *rocker fingers*”
“if surgery was easy, there wouldn’t be so many medicine people.”

SR Medicine
“And I’m sorry, if you walk in with a packed cell volume of 8, you’re getting ready to die, you just may not know it yet.”
“you’re going to have a few animals out there who are problem children.”
“the parasites aren’t going to hurt the horses… so use them as a big vacuum cleaner.”
“We need to DEworm them… they did a fine job of worming themselves.”
“It’s sort of like a plumber… his plumbing always leaks”
“I’m sorry, this is not that… this is a testicle.. I see that now.”
“word got around that there was this guy you could scratch his back and he’d ejaculate… he was the most popular patient in the hospital”
“I’ve seen a lot of Chlamydia problems.”
Professor: “Do you have any experience?” Classmate:“With Chlamydia? yes. … no, I meant the vaccine!”
“you can eat and take care of business all in the same place… very efficient if you’re a cat.”
“once you get 3 or 4 parasites in there, it’s hard to get enough nutrition… I know… I was just talking about my granddaughter and now I’m calling them parasites… but that’s what they are!”
“there for a while, I was kind of a rockstar the goat world”

Baby Goats!

The best part of large animal skills was definitely NOT being at school at 7AM every weekday for 3 weeks (5PM for 1 week and both times for 1 weekend) to feed and walk a horse. Or, really, several horses. I get it that knowing the husbandry of the animals we treat is important, but if I wanted the responsibility of owning a horse, I would own a horse.

The ACTUAL best part of large animal skills was the labs themselves. We learned how to cast cattle, which is a fancy word for pull them onto the ground using a strategically placed rope and 1 (or maybe 2) person (people.) We anesthetized pigs. We drew cow blood. We trimmed goat feet. Even better, we went and examined the baby research goats! There were babies from a couple days old to a couple months. They were so very cute.

It's things like this that remind me why I'm here.

It's Like Being 14 Again

One of my professors recently said that being a 3rd year in vet school is like being 15. You're almost grown up, and you want it so bad, but there's nothing you can do to speed it up. It's so close you can taste it, but it's just out of reach.

But, I think that it's like being 14. The dream, the growing up, the independance of it all is so close. The license is close. But 4th year is like being 15. You're almost there. You've got a learners permit. You get to try it in real life. There are real risks and real rewards but there's someone there watching over you, guarding your back.

I can't wait. I want to grow up!